Perpetual To Dos

My phone broke yesterday (it fell, and its cracked screen cracked some more and has now stopped working); is it worth it to fix the screen and power button or should I just buy a new phone? I have to buy my tickets home (West Africa home) for New Year’s. I start a new rotation tomorrow so I have to read up on my new patients and be ready to take care of them Monday morning. There’s still no art on the walls of our apartment. Do I care enough about the five-ish pounds I’ve gained over the last year to try to lose them or do I just need to make sure I don’t gain any more? The towels smell a little off (sat in the washer for 24hrs before drying); I should rewash them.

I once read, in one of those little books that has a small piece of advice on every page, that there will still be stuff in your inbox when you die. A morbid, but also comforting thought. I may be able to cross off all the items on my to-do list for today, but there will be more tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. This is not to mean that I should never do anything because there will be more to do, but to realize that while there are many feelings in life that are worth chasing, the feeling of being “completely done” isn’t really one of them. Accomplished is good, but done is not, because it’s a lie.

It’s easy to get caught up in the uncertainty of my life. Will Ember ever move in with us? Or live in the same city again? Where will Catalyst and I move to next year, since we need at least three people to afford the size of apartment we’d prefer in our current neighborhood? Am I going to do a fellowship or just finish residency in four years? Am I going to have children?

I lay in bed this morning, watching Catalyst fold his clothes, my mind racing with those first paragraph thoughts, and then a different kind of thought floated to the foreground: This is nice, this living with someone I love, watching them do something so boring and mundane as folding their clothes and not feeling like I’m wasting precious, borrowed time.

I still need to buy my plane tickets (maybe later tonight, more likely tomorrow), and I need to read about my patients. The art will go up some other day, or maybe in the next place we live. I kind of care about the weight, but my clothes still fit, so it’s okay. I will be rewashing the towels tonight. And I’ve bought a new phone, but it won’t arrive for 4 to 5 weeks, so Catalyst is letting me borrow his (and he’s using Dreamer’s old phone) in the meantime, because he loves me and I use my phone more than he uses his, and I use it mainly to stay in touch with him (and Ember).

It’s been a good Sunday. :)

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