I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about family lately, mainly due to my upcoming betrayal of my mother (I’ll be ranking medical residencies on the West Coast, to be closer to Ember and Catalyst, higher than programs on the East Coast, which are closer to her), but recently something happened to a metamour of mine (metamour = someone dating one of your romantic partners but not you) that has added an extra layer of poignancy to my thoughts.

I’ve been worried about my parents disowning me, or trying to give me some sort of ultimatum once I come out to them, and now it’s happened to someone else and it’s becoming a more realistic thought. I’m not sure how I’d react. I know I’d be very sad, and probably a bit angry/frustrated, but there isn’t really anything I can do to prepare for it. I just need to give everyone the best chance of coming to terms with this, and hope it’s not a disaster. =\

I actually really enjoyed visiting my family over Christmas, aside from the occasional remarks about my not being engaged to Ember yet and why can’t we just move to the East Coast already? There was one day where I was puttering around the kitchen helping my mother, and I realized how comfortable and at home I felt in that moment, and I admit it took me by surprise. I guess I was expecting it to be more difficult to relax, but this was the first time in about a year that I spent more than a weekend with my parents.

I’m by myself a lot, outside of the hospital. I live alone, and even when I had a roommate a year ago, I kept to myself. I forget sometimes that I really enjoy simple, quiet company, that there’s a specific kind of joy in comfortably sharing space with other people. And I get that feeling very easily when I’m visiting Ember, or Catalyst and his wife, Dreamer. It takes time to really familiarize yourself with someone else’s home, but I love getting to the point where I know where things are and where things go. I’m very domestically oriented in certain ways, and cleaning is a great brain reset activity for me.

I love my biological family. I’m very connected to them, and there is no replacing their specific role in my life. Yet that doesn’t meant that I can’t lead a full and happy life without them, if it comes to that. I want to keep my family in my life because I feel good around them, because we get pleasure from each other’s company, because we care about each other and we want to help each other. But if that goes away? If all that’s left is judgement and guilt and resentment? If they can’t accept that I can still be their daughter and worthy of their love and pride, worthy of their time, even if I make some odd, apparently risky relationship decisions? Then that’s not really family anymore to me.

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