Being different

It’s strange to realize how “normal” the polyamorous community actually is.

There’s a big facebook group here in Rainy City, I think now with over 500 members. It started with someone just inviting a bunch of their poly friends, then people inviting people they had high match percentages with on okcupid, and has since exploded into a large, poly centered, social network. There’s multiple events every week, and though I’ve only been to one, it makes me happy that this group exists, especially since it only barely overlaps with my pre-existing polyamory network. There’s so many more of us out there than I realized!

But the community is not as diverse as I’d like it to be. Many people practice hierarchical poly (which I kind of do just not really in those words), and have only one primary, generally someone they’re married to. I don’t very often encounter people whose longest relationship started off open, There’s often the husband/wife versus the boyfriends/girlfriends. I don’t see many people who refer to having husbands or wives, even the ones who I believe would in fact say that they have more than one primary.

There’s also the interesting continued separation between the heterosexual and homosexual populations. The polyamory community that calls what they do polyamory, seems to be mainly heterosexual and bisexual, with occasional homosexual people mixed in but not as many as I’d expect. It does seem like the term is becoming more widely used though, so I think over time the demographics might blend more, and already are.

And, of course, it’s not very racially diverse, but it’s Rainy City, and it’s a fringe social group. So that’s just expected.

I also have no idea about economic and educational level diversity. It does seem relatively spread out, but I’m not sure how much.

But back to the Primary thing. There’s lot of talk about about to do hierarchies “right” (ie, in an open, honest and kind way), and now there’s new and evolving discussion about how to do not having a primary at all (solo polyamory), but I’d love to see more discussion about having multiple “primaries”, especially in a V structure. I know other Vees exist. I’m friends with at least one, and I’ve seen others mentioned on the poly subreddit, but I don’t see a lot of more theoretical discussion about this configuration, especially when it’s one woman and two men, not one man and two women.

I guess this is one of those situations where I might just have to be the change I want to see, which is part of why I started this blog. Because I felt like there were a lot of things about my relationship structure that didn’t quite fit in with the majority of discussions I see. I’m not entirely sure what I feel is missing from the discussion. I’m not looking for answers to my questions, because I know that only Catalyst, Ember and I can solve our problems. Maybe what I’m looking for is just more connection, more affirmation.

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