So on Friday, Catalyst, Ember and I had a several hour long serious discussion about our relationships and moving forward (and then we played video games and ran around shooting stuff together). It didn’t go quite how I expected it to, but it ended up in a good place for us as a unit.
The summary is that we’ve agreed to prioritize the group over individual desires, and that we’re not going to make big decisions without coming to a group agreement. Though a subtle switch from how we’ve previously handled things, this is an important one. In the past it’s been more a collection of relationships where we all like each other and want the best for each other, but were still functioning more in dyads or as individuals. Now we’re explicitly saying that no, this isn’t Kitty dating Ember, and Kitty dating Catalyst. This is Kitty and Ember and Catalyst trying to create a future together.
It’s particularly scary for me, the one in the group with the strongest drive to have and raise children, because this means I’m saying that I’m not having children unless everyone’s on board with raising kids (which is not currently the case). However, saying that I’m going to wait until everyone’s on board (or never have kids) allows us all to start taking actions toward creating life together now. The way it used to be, it was two of us starting a life together (kind of sort of, in a weird semi-limbo state) and waiting for the other to decide if they wanted to join in, or if they were going to have to leave the relationship. It did not create a comfortable, safe place for all three of us to grow together.
It’s still not a very stable place. A lot remains up in the air (legal marriage, for example), and Ember still lives in another state. But it’s a start, and we’ve got to start somewhere. :)
So yup, polyamory’s still hard, but I still think it’s worth it.