2013 was, overall, a positive year for me. My relationships with Ember and Catalyst are both in a better place, and the relationship between the three of us, though still budding, shows lots of promise.
I think of it as us having good synergy. You can match us up in any way (Me and Ember, Me and Catalyst, Ember and Catalyst, Me and Ember and Catalyst) and end up with a connection that is generally positive, and fun, that benefits all involved. This is not to say that we are the best combination of people ever, but just that I think there is inherent good in our bonds.
I’ve been, as usual when I’m around my family, contemplating coming out again. I struggle a lot with figuring out how to defend my choice to be in this relationship configuration, but it also frustrates me that this is something I have to defend. When I think about the things that the three of us struggle with, our most difficult problems are the result of societal norms. It is not our unusual relationships, but simply the fact that they are unusual that causes us stress. When we’re just going about life in our own weird little bubble, we’re remarkably content. There’s the occasional friction that’s not much more intense than the friction in any other close relationship, and we’re becoming pretty good at talking those things out together. The problems that cause us the most distress, center around the lack of social recognition and acceptance that comes along with polyamory.
And so that’s what I remind myself, when I start to wonder if this is all doomed, and if we’re just being naive to think that this could work. When I start to think that this is too complicated and difficult, it’s because I have forgotten that this seems so impossibly hard for the simple reason that we are not doing what society expects us to do. Yes there’s things like us living in different cities, but we know how to fix that.
In coming out, I won’t get what I really want. What I really want is for my family to embrace Catalyst and Ember. For them to be happy to see them, to be glad that I have two men who love, adore, respect and support me. Two men who constantly challenge me to be better, but are there to comfort me when I don’t succeed. I want my family to ask how they’re doing, to tell me they hope they’ll be coming along to the next family gathering. I want my family to consider them family, because that’s what they are to me.
What will really happen when I come out? I’m not sure. I know that first there will be disapproval, and lectures and pleas to reconsider. But what comes after that? Will something else come after that? But I don’t think I can keep living like this, delicately keeping such significant parts of my life separate from each other.
I don’t want to choose between my loves and my family, and I hope that 2014 is not the year I have to make that choice. I hope that no year is.