My Loves

Further background information:

Ember and Catalyst, my loves, my best friends, and two of the biggest reasons why my life is very complicated right now.

Ember and I met in college, and have been together for going on six years now. He was my first real relationship, and we connected quickly and deeply. We talk about any and everything, and neither of us have ever been this close to someone for anywhere near this long. We’ve been in a long distance relationship since the Fall of 2009.

Catalyst and I have been together for a year and half. He’s married, and has been with his wife (hereafter known as Dreamer) for eight or nine years I think. I never thought I’d meet someone else I connected with as deeply and as well as I do with Ember, and then along came Catalyst…. We’ve been in a long distance relationship from the beginning. He lived in the same city as Ember, but just this month Ember moved to another city.

I love the two of them fiercely, and my feelings are of a similar nature and potential depth. I want to use the word equal to describe how I feel about them, but I don’t think you can really quantify love and therefore you can’t use a word like equal. My dream would be for the four of us to live together and raise children together, but there’s a lot of complications in the way of that happening.

All I really wanted out of life was a satisfying career (getting there! I think I’m going to be very happy with my chosen medical specialty), at least one committed, long term partner, a kid or two, and some pets. A quiet, simple, cozy home and life. I’m aware that I’m going a very unconventional and convoluted route to get there, but I’m very content with what I’ve got going right now, and optimistic that the future is going to work out.

Welcome!

Welcome to my blog! My name is Kitty. It’s not really Kitty, but it is a name I’ve picked up over the past year or two and am comfortable with.

I have a public blog under my real name, and there are a variety of other, more private identities I’ve cultivated online over the years, but I’ve been wanting a space that is public and yet not obviously the me that lives in this world. I have no delusions of complete anonymity, but I don’t want it to be so easy that one can accidentally connect Kitty to the me they may have met before.

And to that end, if I knew you before this blog, please only refer to me by Kitty, and please consider also using a pseudonym to comment on my posts. Mainly, I am asking my family this.

Who am I? What do I want to talk about here? What don’t I want to talk about?

I’m in my mid to late twenties. I’m almost a doctor. I’m the youngest of four, born in the US (a first generation American), grew up in a third world country, and now back again for over a decade. Raised Christian but unsure what role, if any, I would like religion to play in my life now.

I’m a “cis female,” which essentially means female bodied and female identified. I remember the first time I heard the term cis and was almost offended to have a label decided for and thrust upon me against my will. Then I decided to stop being silly.

I’m bisexual, or pansexual, or queer, or whatever the term should be to mean that I have the potential to be attracted to men and women and many people in between (the genderqueer, genderfluid, etc). Gender theory and determination is something I find fascinating and am likely to ramble about here on occasion.

I’m currently practicing a polyamorous relationship style. It’s a type of open relationship defined mainly not by sexual freedom but by the relative freedom to connect on an emotional level with more than one person. There are some who identify as fundamentally polyamorous. I identify as someone who crushes often, usually briefly and casually, on people, and who therefore always wanted a relationship where I could be honest and open about that. I do not have trouble being monogamous, and do not find it an uncomfortable restriction on my nature. However, I think that monogamy the way it is expected of everyone is difficult for many people, and I think that more people than know it are capable of alternative configurations, and might even flourish better in different styles. I stumbled into polyamory, eyes open, feet moving purposely but not always steadily in this direction. At first almost as an experiment. I liked the sound of the idea and it seemed like a challenge with  a lot of potential for growth and personal peace. Now I’m in love with two people, two men, and cannot return back to monogamy without drastic, painful changes.

And I’m mixed race (African and European, and I can name all the countries). This is not usually something I mention online, not something I usually think of first when I’m listing my labels. I almost didn’t think to include it here. But it is a part of who I am and how I’ve become me, and it’s a significant part of why I’m so comfortable with labels, with differences. I first grew up in a nearly all white neighborhood, and my mother raised me to know that yes, there’s something different about me, but that’s just who I am. Other people might try to make me feel bad about it, but I shouldn’t. It’s okay to be different, and to notice that you’re different.

I am drawing the line at talking about sex, or rather, about my sex life, and its potential existence or lack thereof. I will gladly talk about broader topics like consent and rape culture, but while I think things like the sex positive movement are wonderful, and I do believe that we should be less ashamed about sex and have far better sex education in school, I do not like the idea of being quite that personal and graphic in a public space.

(This post is duplicated in the About Me page).