Relationship Politics versus Relationship Satisfaction

There’s a guy who goes by “Ferrett” online who is one of my favorite online journal/blog type writers. I’ve been following him on and off for years, and I especially loved his writings on relationships. A year or two into reading his journal, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he is also polyamorous. There are many styles of polyamory and he practices just one of them, but still, I love his writings.

Today he posted an entry, “The end goal is that we are happy,” that is relevant to thoughts I have often. I admit that there are times when I wonder if I’m trying too hard to be polyamorous just for the sake of being polyamorous, for the sake of proving a point, and not because it’s what makes me happy. I think that’s a more accurate description of why I decided to try polyamory, but in the end, the main reasons I’m still polyamorous are that it’s been fun so far (ah, that first time, as a young, reasonably attractive, bisexual female that you proactively dip your toes into the poly dating pool! good memories), and I’m in love with two people who have not demanded that I only be with one of them.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are people out there who really seem to be inherently polyamorous, who could never go back to monogamy. I’m not one of those people, but I admit that if in the end, things imploded, and reconfigured, and I ended up in a monogamous relationship, a part of me would feel like I failed somehow. And it is similar to how I feel about being bisexual, but currently “only” being in serious relationships with men (and not having enough energy to devote toward pursuing a new relationship any time soon). Femme-invisibility definitely doesn’t help; I may not be the femmiest of females out there, but I am very easily assumed to be cisgendered (which is accurate) and heterosexual (which is not).

But as Ferrett says, all that matters is that I’m happy. It doesn’t matter if I’m dating one man or five women. All that matters is that I’m living a life I’ve chosen, that I find fulfilling and satisfying, and that more often than not, I’m content. :)

Musings on gender

I’m overall quite content with having been born a cis female, but there are times when I’m annoyed. It usually has to do with my gender limiting my options (like hating all the colors something I want comes in), or setting expectations that I have no desire to meet.

I was a cute kid, and I never really enjoyed it when people complimented my appearance. I think what bothered me most was how some of my mother’s friends were fond of me even though I was very quiet and reserved. I didn’t want to be liked because I was cute. I wanted to be liked for who I was.

To some degree I’ve grown out of that, and will go out of my way, on occasion, to dress for compliments, but it’s something I have to be in the mood for. It’s not natural for me to try to be specifically cute or pretty, “done up,” on a daily basis. I like simple, functional and comfortable. Solid colors, soft, durable material, and as few decorative distractions as possible.

I’m not trying to be a man or a boy. I’m just being me, and me is someone who happens to prefer certain things more traditionally associated with men, me is someone who doesn’t always click well with the women and would rather hang out with “the guys.”

I’ve grown to dislike the term “tomboy.” At the same time, I don’t like trying to avoid labels, because I think labels are a big part of how humans think and organize information. Is the solution for masculine and feminine to become more gender neutral terms? Perhaps, but will it ever happen?

I like being a mix of features and stereotypes. I like home domesticity; cooking and cleaning are pleasant chores to me. I also like power tools (used to build sets in high school), and I like to play video games. I love flowy skirts, and there’s nothing better than weather so hot and humid that I can just throw on a simple cotton dress and feel comfortable. But generally, I prefer pants, and the main reason I’m considering trying to wear skirts more is because it’s a pain to find pants that fit my figure. (Actually, I prefer leggings and I lived in them as a kid. Unfortunately, I’ve bought into the belief that leggings generally are not appropriate as pants in public, unless your butt is covered).

I don’t have much of a point to this post; it’s just something I’ve been thinking about again, largely because I’m in the process of trying to aim for owning the right combination of clothes such that I’m rarely stuck staring at a packed closet wondering what on earth I want to wear. I’ve been trying for a while to upgrade my clothes, and only recently realized that I was trying too hard to aim for a more standard feminine style, when that’s not quite me.