There’s a guy who goes by “Ferrett” online who is one of my favorite online journal/blog type writers. I’ve been following him on and off for years, and I especially loved his writings on relationships. A year or two into reading his journal, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he is also polyamorous. There are many styles of polyamory and he practices just one of them, but still, I love his writings.
Today he posted an entry, “The end goal is that we are happy,” that is relevant to thoughts I have often. I admit that there are times when I wonder if I’m trying too hard to be polyamorous just for the sake of being polyamorous, for the sake of proving a point, and not because it’s what makes me happy. I think that’s a more accurate description of why I decided to try polyamory, but in the end, the main reasons I’m still polyamorous are that it’s been fun so far (ah, that first time, as a young, reasonably attractive, bisexual female that you proactively dip your toes into the poly dating pool! good memories), and I’m in love with two people who have not demanded that I only be with one of them.
As I’ve mentioned before, there are people out there who really seem to be inherently polyamorous, who could never go back to monogamy. I’m not one of those people, but I admit that if in the end, things imploded, and reconfigured, and I ended up in a monogamous relationship, a part of me would feel like I failed somehow. And it is similar to how I feel about being bisexual, but currently “only” being in serious relationships with men (and not having enough energy to devote toward pursuing a new relationship any time soon). Femme-invisibility definitely doesn’t help; I may not be the femmiest of females out there, but I am very easily assumed to be cisgendered (which is accurate) and heterosexual (which is not).
But as Ferrett says, all that matters is that I’m happy. It doesn’t matter if I’m dating one man or five women. All that matters is that I’m living a life I’ve chosen, that I find fulfilling and satisfying, and that more often than not, I’m content. :)