MFM Vee vs Triad

Last night, Ember said to me, “By the way, I don’t think of us as a Vee anymore.” To which I responded, “I’ve been meaning to write a blog post about that!”

I know an MFM triad whose usage of the word triad used to confuse me. “But the guys aren’t involved with each other, how are they a triad?” Somewhere along the course of the 2+ years I’ve known them, I realized that I wasn’t confused anymore.

I guess there can come a point where defining a relationship simply by who has sex with who isn’t exactly the key anymore.

Although, I actually rather like the sound of “MFM V Triad,” because I think it succinctly gives the reader a good idea of what on earth is going on here.

Relationship Politics versus Relationship Satisfaction

There’s a guy who goes by “Ferrett” online who is one of my favorite online journal/blog type writers. I’ve been following him on and off for years, and I especially loved his writings on relationships. A year or two into reading his journal, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he is also polyamorous. There are many styles of polyamory and he practices just one of them, but still, I love his writings.

Today he posted an entry, “The end goal is that we are happy,” that is relevant to thoughts I have often. I admit that there are times when I wonder if I’m trying too hard to be polyamorous just for the sake of being polyamorous, for the sake of proving a point, and not because it’s what makes me happy. I think that’s a more accurate description of why I decided to try polyamory, but in the end, the main reasons I’m still polyamorous are that it’s been fun so far (ah, that first time, as a young, reasonably attractive, bisexual female that you proactively dip your toes into the poly dating pool! good memories), and I’m in love with two people who have not demanded that I only be with one of them.

As I’ve mentioned before, there are people out there who really seem to be inherently polyamorous, who could never go back to monogamy. I’m not one of those people, but I admit that if in the end, things imploded, and reconfigured, and I ended up in a monogamous relationship, a part of me would feel like I failed somehow. And it is similar to how I feel about being bisexual, but currently “only” being in serious relationships with men (and not having enough energy to devote toward pursuing a new relationship any time soon). Femme-invisibility definitely doesn’t help; I may not be the femmiest of females out there, but I am very easily assumed to be cisgendered (which is accurate) and heterosexual (which is not).

But as Ferrett says, all that matters is that I’m happy. It doesn’t matter if I’m dating one man or five women. All that matters is that I’m living a life I’ve chosen, that I find fulfilling and satisfying, and that more often than not, I’m content. :)

Family

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about family lately, mainly due to my upcoming betrayal of my mother (I’ll be ranking medical residencies on the West Coast, to be closer to Ember and Catalyst, higher than programs on the East Coast, which are closer to her), but recently something happened to a metamour of mine (metamour = someone dating one of your romantic partners but not you) that has added an extra layer of poignancy to my thoughts.

I’ve been worried about my parents disowning me, or trying to give me some sort of ultimatum once I come out to them, and now it’s happened to someone else and it’s becoming a more realistic thought. I’m not sure how I’d react. I know I’d be very sad, and probably a bit angry/frustrated, but there isn’t really anything I can do to prepare for it. I just need to give everyone the best chance of coming to terms with this, and hope it’s not a disaster. =\

I actually really enjoyed visiting my family over Christmas, aside from the occasional remarks about my not being engaged to Ember yet and why can’t we just move to the East Coast already? There was one day where I was puttering around the kitchen helping my mother, and I realized how comfortable and at home I felt in that moment, and I admit it took me by surprise. I guess I was expecting it to be more difficult to relax, but this was the first time in about a year that I spent more than a weekend with my parents.

I’m by myself a lot, outside of the hospital. I live alone, and even when I had a roommate a year ago, I kept to myself. I forget sometimes that I really enjoy simple, quiet company, that there’s a specific kind of joy in comfortably sharing space with other people. And I get that feeling very easily when I’m visiting Ember, or Catalyst and his wife, Dreamer. It takes time to really familiarize yourself with someone else’s home, but I love getting to the point where I know where things are and where things go. I’m very domestically oriented in certain ways, and cleaning is a great brain reset activity for me.

I love my biological family. I’m very connected to them, and there is no replacing their specific role in my life. Yet that doesn’t meant that I can’t lead a full and happy life without them, if it comes to that. I want to keep my family in my life because I feel good around them, because we get pleasure from each other’s company, because we care about each other and we want to help each other. But if that goes away? If all that’s left is judgement and guilt and resentment? If they can’t accept that I can still be their daughter and worthy of their love and pride, worthy of their time, even if I make some odd, apparently risky relationship decisions? Then that’s not really family anymore to me.

Put a ring on it? Sigh.

I have so much I want to say about the idea of marriage and primary relationships and commitment, and it’s not going to fit in one post, as much as I keep trying. So I’m going to do my best to keep this post focused.

I interviewed at my school last week, the only Midwest program I applied to, and one of my favorite Doctors really wants me to stay, but did emphasize that it’s my choice how I make my rank list. Still, he said that he discourages anyone from moving for a relationship without a ring.

I feel like I’m stuck in a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. If I don’t get married at all, people will forever worry about me. Why is she devaluing herself? Why is she making these sacrifices for men who don’t/can’t properly commit to her? If I do get married (which would be to Ember, since Catalyst is already married), why am I violating the sanctity of marriage and seeking anything outside of it? How could I even consider having children with someone other than my husband? Why did I bother getting married in the first place?

I wish I knew more people in similar situations. Most poly people I know are married, or are unmarried but not wanting kids. I don’t know anyone that’s thinking about having kids outside of marriage, let alone with someone else who’s married. (Note the word choices I’m using, by the way; we’re still in the very early contemplation stages with this whole kids thing).

And I guess that’s part of why I wanted to start this blog. I wanted there to be representation of something a little different from what I usually see online. =)

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