My life is very off balance these days. I’m short on time, and it feels like I’m just barely keeping afloat and not getting any closer to the shore. Ember and Catalyst are fairly tolerant and accustomed to the constant cycling I go through, but I know I can’t expect life to completely pause because I’m working longer hours, and I don’t want life to pause. I want this year to be one of general progress, as minor as it may be in the end.

I struggle with keeping my relationships balanced, or maybe I’m not actually struggling. Maybe it just feels that way because I want a lot more stability than my life can currently give me. I’m trying to reach an equilibrium where both my boyfriends have more long term, sustainable things that make them feel loved and special to me. A lot of the default things, like “I’m the only one she says ‘I love you’ to,” or “I’m the only one she watches this show with,” or “I’m the only one she sleeps with,” or “I’m the one everyone knows is her true love” become harder when you have at least two people you love, when there’s at least two people you could be watching any given show or movie with. When one partner happened to be a part of your life before the other, so there are certain things that would have happened already in the new relationship, but you’re still taking it slowly because you’re trying to respect the first partner’s boundaries. When you happen to live with one and not the other, so certain things are just, by default, much easier and more natural.

They both really like each other and care about each other, and they respect the relationships each has with me. And yet sometimes I feel like I’m advocating both sides of a (weirdly amicable) trial. Pushing one’s boundaries on an issue then turning around and trying to minimize the other’s expectations. I can only imagine how much harder this would be if they weren’t such good friends.

I suppose it’s better that they both see things about the other relationship that they wish they had, than for one of them to feel completely satisfied and the other feel neglected. But I want to be at a place where each relationship is better able to hold its own and not warrant comparison. I want to be in a place where feeling special to me doesn’t have to mean denying something to the other, where making someone feel safe doesn’t mean holding back.

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