A Few Steps Back

Dear Mommy,

I know you’re disappointed that I haven’t ended up on the east coast, but I am hoping to be able to visit you often (psychiatry has very reasonable hours so after my first year I will often have my weekends free) and I hope that you will be able to visit too.

I’m still at the ceremony, but I’ll try to call after.

Love you!

Kitty

***

Dear Kitty,

Yes I am terribly disappointed and sad. What makes me sad is the fact that you actually decided that you wanted to be in [the pacific northwest] for your Residency. I suppose if the computer matching was solely random, that the [pacific northwest] Hospital was the best in the country for your program, or that Ember had made a firm commitment and had proposed marriage to you then I would have understood and been less sad. What mother would’t be happy to have her daughter be a little close to her?

I was hoping that having been away from us for such a long time, that given the opportunity you would have tried to be a bit closer.

I was not expecting you to be In the same state. All I was expecting, was for you to have expressed a desire to be somewhere a little closer, so we could have had a better relationship.

Any way, we can only thank God that your wishes have come through. I know you will be a great Psychiatrist and I wish you much success with the program.

***

I’ve definitely done some damage to my relationship with my mother. I knew she wouldn’t be happy about my move, but I don’t think I expected how sad I would feel in response to her disapproval. As much as we disagree on how I should live my life, I love my mother, and I’m quite fond of her. It’s hard to begrudge someone for loving you, and wanting to be closer to you. She has always regretted sending me away for boarding school when I was fourteen, but at the same time I was glad to get away, because I will never again be the sweet ten year old child she wishes I still was, and it’s hard living in your own shadow.

And I hate that she blames a lot of this on my relationship with Ember (which *gasp* is not validated and secure because we’re not engaged!), because Ember’s coping with much the same thing she is. Yes I’m closer to him now (our plane ticket is half the price, and the flight is half as long), but it’s at least another year before he’d be in a position to even think about moving. So he’s also having to cope with me moving somewhere else, and building a life apart from him.

I see my mother in three weeks, for my brother’s wedding, and I’m hoping she’s calmed down a bit by then. In the meantime, I need to figure out what damage control consists of. Mainly, it’s doing the things I should have already been doing, like calling and emailing her more often.

Coming out as polyamorous is going to be exciting! “Actually, I moved to be with my married boyfriend, and live with him and his wife, and maybe have children with him! No, they’re not getting a divorce, and she knows about this.”

6 thoughts on “A Few Steps Back

  1. HUg hug my love. If I can help in anyway, by even giving you a shoulder to lean on and cry on for coming out, let me. I may be a zillion miles away, and never meet you in person, but I will fight for you and others who walk the road with me <3

    • Thank you very much. :) It helps to know that there are others going through similar things out there, and that there’s enough of a community out there that accepts me that even if I lose parts of my family and existing network, I can always build a new one.

  2. A parent’s disapproval is always upsetting, whether you’re close or not. I really hope your parents can come to understand that it’s not healthy for a person to live their entire life for their parents, and that eventually, a kid just has to get out and find their own way in life.

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