More than words

So we talked last night. Well, first I sent a panicked, emotional email to Catalyst and received a reassuring response later in the day, and then Catalyst and Ember went to Costco to split a membership together (even though they live in different cities), and they got to talk a bit in the car. And then we all talked.

People like to say that the key to polyamory is communication, and I believe it’s part of the truth, but I believe it’s not just about saying words at each other. Last night could have gone horribly wrong, but we’ve all got good energy with each other, and we really care about and like and love each other. So when we talk, we’re listening, negotiating, compromising, reassuring, and clarifying.

So we haven’t resolved everything (and we never will because something new will always come up), but I think we’ve got the beginnings of a 2 to 3 year plan for the three of us. And I can’t really say exactly what the plan is, because not being too transparent about the details is part of the plan, and I have friends and family who read this blog.

But no one is feeling lost and hurt and hopeless right now. We’ve all got our  insecurities, but the trust is still there and growing. We’re still a team, and we’re looking out for one another. We’re a family, and I’m really looking forward to the day when we’re ready to throw some sort of party declaring that.

Rocks. Hard places. The usual.

That feeling you get when you’re stuck in a situation where you can either hurt one partner or hurt the other? I’m really tired of it. The whole Match Day thing happened, and now I’m living with Catalyst and not Ember, and we’re finally starting to heal from the damage that did. Now there’s this whole marriage thing, and I really, really wish I could just say “That’s fine, we’ll just all be unmarried” but… reasons.

And I don’t know what to do. Ember’s in town and we had a fantastic weekend, but then I had to bring this stuff up because we do have to figure this out, and right now I just feel sick. I literally feel sick to my stomach, and I’m terrified that we’re not going to figure this out, and that I’m going to lose one or both of them in the end.

So right now I’m going to let myself go cry for a bit, and then I’m going to stop because crying doesn’t fix anything (or maybe I’ll skip the crying. I hate crying). I’m going to shower, eat something, shop for Christmas presents for my family while spending time with Ember, and then we’re going to go to work. And then the two of them will go to Costco after work, and I’ll come home later, and then we’ll all talk.

Edit: We’ve been watching Scandal recently, and right now I feel like I need the equivalent of an Olivia Pope for my relationship. I want someone to fix this for me, because I have no idea how.