If anyone ever has any questions about polyamory, by far my favorite resource is and has always been the More Than Two website. The author, Franklin Veaux, is an excellent, insightful writer, and has some fantastic advice, a lot of which I think is actually applicable to monogamous relationships as well.
Much to my delight, Franklin and one of his partners are working on a book! They will be relying on crowdfunding to get the process going (you bet I’ll be donating!), and their Indiegogo campaign will launch on August 22nd. In the meantime, I highly recommend checking out the articles on his site, and also reading the book blog for a further sampling of their writings.
I have a very strong inclination to run up the relationship escalator. Love, to me, is sharing who I am as fully as I can with another person, and I have trouble separating out knowing each other deeply and intimately from sharing our mundane, daily lives. I want to stay up late into the night drinking wine and sharing stories about our pasts and our desired futures, and then I want to wake up together, make breakfast, and go grocery shopping.
I know some amount of this is socially conditioned, but a lot of it isn’t. I’ve had a very strong pair bonding desire since I was a kid, and not even necessarily in a romantic context. I was fascinated with books where characters had a bonded companion (dragons, magical horses, you name it) that was by their side always and that knew them intimately. I’ve also always had a preference for pets that have more social understanding and that can form closer ties to specific people (dogs and parrots especially).
One of my biggest regrets in my relationship with Ember is how strongly I pushed him to join me on the relationship escalator. It’s not that he doesn’t love me enough. It’s simply a difference in how we plan our lives and how we feel driven to conduct our relationships (or rather, that I feel driven to conduct mine at all whereas he prefers to let things form organically).
I honestly can’t say that I perceive more love from Catalyst (who, like me, is more commitment+planning oriented) than from Ember or vice versa. They both care for me deeply, and I feel immensely supported and well taken care of by both of them. And yet every time Ember visits and we have a good time together, the first thoughts on my mind are about how wonderful it would be if we all moved in together, and I want to bring up marriage again even though we agreed that we’re not going to be able to make a decision about that for at least several more months. I have a hard time not assuming that a relationship this deep and fulfilling should eventually look at least a little bit like marriage (cohabitation, maybe some kids, etc).
It’s not that I can’t accept a strong, “primary” relationship that doesn’t follow the relationship escalator. I think I’m perfectly capable of setting aside my expectations and doing something unconventional. Obviously I am to some degree, or I wouldn’t be practicing open polyamory. Part of the reason I keep trying to step back onto the escalator with Ember is precisely because we haven’t entirely ruled it out. It’s still an option, and it’s my default preference, so of course it’s going to keep being on my mind until we decide what aspects of it we want and what we don’t.
It’s hard for me to blog when life is going pretty well. “Today was another normal day. I woke up, packed lunch for myself and for Catalyst, and then I went to work, took care of patients, and came home. After I spent some time decompressing on the internet, Catalyst and I had dinner together. I video chatted with Ember, then Catalyst and I watched a couple episodes of something, and went to bed.”
There’s a “stability is boring” trap that I fall into, as you can tell by the fact that I mostly blog when something changes, but that wasn’t my original intent with this blog. Much like the goal of my medical school/medicine blog, the purpose of this was to show what a personal, mundane polyamorous life is like. This isn’t meant to be an exciting dramatic sexy romp. This is meant to be full of the simple little details.
Another problem I have with blogging when things are going well, is that I worry about bragging. I don’t want it to seem like I’m showing off and being all “Look at my perfect poly life! Everything’s going so well! What’s wrong with all you people who have more drama in your lives?”
But I think I just need to get over it. I do still have interesting things to say, even though my day to day life is quite simple and “boring.”
So hello world! Today I had a pretty standard Thursday, and I’m finishing up my internet time while Catalyst is making dinner, and at some point I’ll get a chance to talk to Ember. I effectively came out to my Program Director (essentially my boss) as poly on Sunday so I could bring Catalyst to a work event (and subsequently sort of came out to some of my coworkers), so that’s kind of exciting, except no one’s asked me any questions about it, so actually no, it wasn’t very exciting. And that’s a wonderful thing. :)
Being sappy and silly at brunch. :) My lap, one of each of their hands, and my hands.
Ember was in town this weekend, and aside from the disappointment that he was only in town for one weekend, it was happy times. :)
- Ember arrived Thursday night. I drove to pick him up, and then Catalyst, Ember and I crashed into bed and fell asleep.
- Friday night started with Ember, Catalyst, “the girl Ember’s dating who also happens to live in Rainy City” (I really need a name for her) and I at an art showing that several of our friends had pieces in.
- Then we went out for drinks with one of my favorite local triads (an MFM V, if you know what that means).
- Saturday was Ember and I’s day to spend one on one time together, so we had a slightly lazy morning, then walked out for brunch and some shopping, then hibernated in the bedroom.
- After a quick dinner out, we brought back food for Catalyst, and then the three of us hung out in bed and watched Doctor Who.
- On Sunday the three of us went out to brunch (same place because it was so tasty) with two other couples (one is involved in a relationship with another couple, and the other is in an open-ish relationship but I’m not entirely clear how open they are because I haven’t asked).
- Then the three of us went out to watch Much Ado About Nothing (after stopping by home to watch another episode of Doctor Who)
- And then we played Borderlands 2 (co-op computer game) together until bedtime. =D
- Ember left Monday morning after I went to work. :(
And that is the crazy, terribly exciting, and exotic life of a doctor with two boyfriends when she has an entire weekend free and both boyfriends in town! Other highlights include valiantly trying to fall asleep between the boyfriends geeking out about something technical.