Er, I’m okay, btw

I’m realizing that the matter of fact tone I was aiming for in my last post probably came off as rather bleak. While certain aspects of recent changes have seemed rather sudden, overall there has been a lot of gradual shifting for a long time. And like I said, the overall home atmosphere really hasn’t changed all that significantly, at least, not from my perspective.

I’ve been socially MIA because I’m working 80+hrs a week. Also, the weekend I was planning to hang out with people, I had to emergently fly back to the east coast for a few days for a family matter (things are essentially okay on that front now).

My main focus these days is surviving my intern year, and being the best girlfriend I can be right now for both Catalyst and Ember (in my opinion, I’m pretty awesome, minus the working so much). :)

Changes

So yesterday I learned from Dreamer and Catalyst that it’s okay to talk about the changes that have happened recently, and I specifically asked Catalyst if he’s okay if I blog about it, and he said I can.

Catalyst and Dreamer have been, as Dreamer puts it, “redefining their relationship” for a while. We live in a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment, and the plan was that we would all three sleep in the master bedroom, and I would store most of my stuff in the second bedroom (and I also mainly used the second bathroom, since I get up for work an hour and a half before they do), but it would be open for all of us to use if we had a date night with someone else, or if we just wanted some privacy.

About two weeks into living together, I moved my stuff into the master bedroom and bathroom, and Dreamer moved into the second bedroom and bathroom; she also doesn’t sleep with us anymore.

I was surprised, to say the least.

Not much has really changed about the atmosphere at home, and as far as I can tell we’re still living together at least until the end of our year long lease (10.5 months left). I’m not sure what the long term plan is, and I don’t really want to speculate about their relationship here, so I’m trying to just stick with the facts that I’m certain about. Catalyst describes it as them effectively being separated right now, and divorce is a possibility, but who knows? I don’t.

It’s been a little weird for me, suddenly being Catalyst’s only romantic relationship, and sharing all my space with him. It’s also going to be interesting for when Ember visits, because Ember and I really treasure our one on one time, and now there isn’t an easy extra bedroom for us to hide away in. By default, if we want a night alone, we have to displace someone, and that’s not the arrangement I originally signed up for. He visited briefly for a camping event one weekend (that I had to miss because I had to work. Sigh) and Catalyst and Dreamer were very accommodating and pleasant about it, but it’s just not the same as having the second bedroom free and open all the time. Still, we’ll make it work. Change happens, and we adjust.

Of course, I worry that people are going to think I’m a homewrecker. I wasn’t hoping for this, and I wasn’t trying to make this happen. Honestly, (and I’ve told Catalyst this many times), if I’d been a bit more aware of how their relationship was doing, I would not have started dating him. I was specifically only dating people who already had at least one established, happy, primary relationship. On the other hand, two years ago, this current situation seemed quite unlikely.

So lots of change. Catalyst hasn’t started telling people yet, but I think Dreamer has been telling close friends/other partners. Ember has known about things as they’ve happened, but this is the first time I’m saying anything about it to anyone else. I’m not sure how many people in our social circle are following my blog, so I don’t know how long it’ll take for the news to spread. What I’ve said here is pretty much all I know, so if anyone’s curious about more info, they should talk directly to either Catalyst or Dreamer.

Familiarity

I like familiarity.

Residency works kind of like Medical School in some ways. You still have to deal with changing teams, often every four weeks, sometimes changing specialties and hospitals. This usually goes along with an ever rotating roster of patients. I’m currently on a rotation where my team admits new patients every other day, so every other day there are new faces to meet and become familiar with, and I quickly became very tired with being “on call.” Today I finally realized part of why I don’t like it: I prefer to build upon existing relationships than to create new ones.

Some doctors like the constant stream of new that comes along with Inpatient medicine (and I’m including Emergency Medicine in this as well). They like meeting new people and managing a variety of diseases, and they like the acuity of it all. I, on the other hand, have always had an affinity for Outpatient medicine. I like being able to take my time and get to know people. I like to have a chance to grow fond of people over time. Call days are exhausting because so much is new, but post call days are easier on me, even if they’re just as long.

This doesn’t have to translate over to my relationship style (if it did, then ER doctors would have very rapid relationship turnover), but there are definitely parallels. Meeting people is fun, but draining. I enjoy NRE (“New Relationship Energy” aka, “the Honeymoon period”) just like most people do, but I don’t have much desire to seek it out once I’m in a relationship. I’ve proven myself capable of falling in love while already in love and in a happy relationship with someone else, but it’s not something I feel driven to do, and this seems to be a way in which I differ from many other poly people.

I enjoyed the NRE I had with Ember and Catalyst, but my NRE craving takes the form of wishing I could relive those days or rekindle that feeling.

State of the Kitty

So life has been interesting.

I can’t go into all the details yet, because a lot of the changes that have happened since late May/early June are still fairly private, and I think most of the people reading this blog are actually people we know, not random strangers on the internet (and even for the random strangers, Rainy City has a very large poly community, so today’s internet stranger could be tomorrow’s new friend at a meet up).

Living with Catalyst has been good, but it’s quite different living with a doctor when you’re seeing them not just on vacation or weekends off, but while they’re working 80 hour weeks. Catalyst is still adjusting to how busy I’ve been, and as a result, how tired and low energy I am at home, and I’m still adjusting to the fact that he’s not Ember, and he doesn’t need as much space. However, he’s also like Ember in other ways, and sometimes hesitant about being more verbally direct about wanting to spend time with me or when suggesting things he wants to do.

I have a terrible habit of getting lost in the internet. I’ll sit down to do one thing and then next thing I know I’m doing ten things, nine of which I could be doing later and chances are high that none of them are actually the thing I sat down to do. So while I really want to spend more one on one time with my boyfriends, sometimes I’ll sit down on my computer and oops, my one day off this week is half gone and there’s all these other errands I meant to do today.

So yeah. We’re working on that. It helps that we’re now a lot more settled into our apartment, so there’s fewer things that have to get done on any given day, leaving more time to actually connect with each other

My relationship with Ember is so far surviving my living with Catalyst. In fact, it’s more than surviving. I think we’re doing quite well right now. It’s a big thing, living with someone (especially after moving to another city for said someone), but even though I’ve been looking forward to living with an SO for years and years and years now, my relationship with Ember is something I treasure, and I’m not going to set it aside just because I’m getting what I’ve always wanted with someone else.

And I haven’t let go of my dream of living with the two of them someday. :) It’d be pretty awesome. They’re both tech people and into the idea of automated homes, so someday I could end up in the kind of home where the temperature adjusts when you walk in, or your music follows you from room to room, or something even more amazing.

And no, I haven’t come out to my parents yet, and I have no idea when I’ll do it. Sometimes I feel like I must do it asap, and then I get scared of the fallout, or how it’s going to affect them (they just went through something major and stressful and the last thing I want to do is add to that). I think part of me is waiting to see how things settle in my life, because I want to come out with a more clear picture of what I’m doing, what we’re doing, and how things will look, but right now a few key things are still a little up in the air.

Life is good; there’s just a lot going on behind the scenes, as usual.