This is a short film (nine and a half minutes), a monologue, by a 17 year old (written by him, starring him) named Kim Ho, and it was beautiful, and painful, and adorable, and it took me back to between ages 14 and 19 when I endured a string of four overwhelming unrequited crushes, two on girls (one of which turned out to be not so unrequited, but only after nearly four years of quietly pining after her).
I’m in California with Ember, about half way into a two week visit. This will be followed by another week with my parents, and then going to Rainy City and moving in with Catalyst and Dreamer! My graduation went incredibly well, and I’m now officially a doctor. There’s a lot on my mind again, but it seems that’s just standard operation for me.
Soon after my graduation I received an email from one of my brothers titled “Unsolicited Advice” that I did not receive very well on first skim. After reading it more closely, I realized that it came from a gentler place than I thought, but it was still a bit of a blow after such a fun weekend full of so much love and at least surface level acceptance. I haven’t responded to the email yet; still thinking about it, not quite ready to file it away and move on.
I’m at a bit of an odd place in my life right now. Haven’t graduated yet, and residency doesn’t start till mid-June, but I’m done with school. Half moved out of the Midwest, but haven’t exactly moved into Rainy City yet. Haven’t even found a place yet (fingers crossed that it happens this week/weekend!). I can’t say that I’m using this down time in the best way possible, but I at least took care of a few health related things that I knew I wouldn’t easily make time for once I start working, and I’m making sure that I’m getting things done every day, and not slipping into a restless, depressed mindset (which is what happens when I idle too much).
But even though life feels a little strange right now, I believe I can say that it’s going well. I’m concerned about finances, but I know that after a few paychecks I’ll be able to cover the cost of moving half across the country, and all the flying around I’m doing until I finally settle down in June. I’m not happy about the stack of paperwork I have to do to start my job, but it’s just paperwork, and I’m getting through it, slowly but surely. My relationship with Ember is still healing (he was here in Rainy City this weekend, and we spent some good time together amidst his running around seeing friends and the girl he’s been dating), and I think that for a six year relationship between two people with such different motivations in life, we’re doing really well. I’ve still not completely made peace with how things turned out, but I’m getting there.
And things with Catalyst are going well. I’m staying in his and Dreamer’s house right now, but while I feel reasonably comfortable here, I’m really looking forward to moving to a place new to everyone (and closer to social activities and work). I know I’m welcome in their home, but there’s still this underlying internal feeling of being a guest that I just can’t shake, because this is a house that they’ve owned and lived in together for several years, and it would just never feel mine. I suppose if the location had been different, we’d have found a way to make it work for me to move in and really feel like I live here too, but I refuse to do this commute, so it’s just not an option.