It’s funny how strongly the standard relationship escalator narrative is worked into my brain, even though I’m in the midst of deconstructing it and rebuilding it with just the parts I want.
One of my brothers mailed out an FAQ for his wedding, including his wedding registry, and it’s got a really nifty set-up. In the back of my mind I was thinking “Ooh, how cool!” with a vague undertone of “taking notes for the future,” until conscious thought kicked in a second later and reminded me that getting married, and especially, a traditional, normal wedding with family and friends and a registry, really isn’t on the table right now. It’s not off the table, but usually it’s something that is very much on the table or being actively discussed by someone in the position I’m in with either of my relationships.
But the upside is that this doesn’t really bother me. This is more of a “Huh. Interesting” observation than a “woe is me my life sucks!” post.
You know what I want? A life registry. Cause I’ve got a lot of things I want to buy right now (Combat boots, leather jacket,wool coat, trench coat, fancy scanner for decluttering purposes, fancy duffel bag for traveling that will last forever, oxfords, new socks, bras that fit, clothes for work I don’t hate, and so much more!), and I’d love it if people could buy them for me. =P I really can’t wait to be making my own money again.
(18 more days, by the way. In case you were wondering.)
Cleaning has been helping to keep me sane these days.
During college, I discovered that I enjoy cleaning. I had the same roommate all four years ( a girl I had a crush on and thought was straight. Turns out I was wrong, and that she too had a crush on me, but thought I was straight. We realized our mistake during our last few months of college), and starting our sophomore year, we got in the habit of cleaning together every Saturday or Sunday. It wasn’t anything we scheduled or planned, just something we’d do in parallel, and it was very peaceful and pleasantly domestic.
Last night was the deadline for making any changes to my Rank list, so between now and March 15th, there is nothing more I can do to influence where I end up (the programs had the same deadline). In theory, I’ve probably been matched already, but it takes two weeks to doublecheck the data, or something, and then there’s another week for giving people who didn’t match a chance to find an open spot.
22 more days.
I have a lot of unexpected downtime these days, which is often a curse for me. I’m on essentially a Family Planning themed outpatient gynecology rotation (I’ve moved on from dying children to abortions; this is the morbid section of my education, I guess), but I often have either the morning or the afternoon free due to scheduling difficulties.
I get restless and eventually just very blah, when I have too much free time. So cleaning! Lots, and lots of cleaning! Since I have about a 95% chance of having to change cities, I’ve been preparing for a move and giving things away to friends and Goodwill. However, I have to keep my studio in visitable condition, so while it’d be easy to let things get crazy and cluttered in the process, I have to keep backtracking and tidying up after myself. I’ve been working on this for several weeks now, and it’s been a strangely enjoyable process of taking apart sections of my apartment and putting them back together.
Valentine’s Day is a holiday I’ve always been fond of, even though I spent most of the first twenty years of my life single. I think of it kind of like Thanksgiving, but with chocolate and hearts instead of turkey.
We’ve chosen not to do much this year (or last year, for that matter, and most years before), and I don’t mind. I’m content to acknowledge it simply with an extra email or two, and this year Ember was able to reschedule a few things so that we can hang out online together tonight, watch some more House of Cards and maybe do some computer gaming. Catalyst is taking his wife, Dreamer, out to dinner, so we won’t really interact much tonight, but it’s okay. It’s just a day. I take anniversaries a lot more seriously anyway. :)
I admit though, that I’m looking forward to a time when it is worth the effort to celebrate Valentine’s Day, because it doesn’t take much effort when you live closer to the ones you love.
I hope that you either have a lovely Valentine’s Day, or simply a lovely Thursday!
Ember and I had a “serious” talk a few weeks ago (and several talks before and several after, the usual state of things with us), where we mostly cleared the air about the decisions we’ve made and the implications they have for our relationship with each other and its future. At the time it felt like we’d made some major decisions, but in retrospect, there weren’t any firm conclusions. I still can’t tell you exactly where our relationship is going, only that right now, where we’re going is not an important “us” decision right now. I know what I want, he still has a lot of thinking to do, and we’re going to let things be for now. We’re going to keep talking things over as they come up, and we’re still extremely important to each other (as is remaining in a romantic relationship; we’re not breaking up and we very much don’t want to!).
And as a result, this past weekend went wonderfully. We were more relaxed around each other than we’ve been in a while, and we were able to have a lot of fun and really enjoy each other’s company. We did have some relationship discussions on Saturday (including him admitting that maybe it’d be best if he didn’t come visit for my Match Day; we’ll see), but it was sandwiched between random, lazy banter, and at the end of the night we had a delicious, delightful dinner out at a restaurant. If he doesn’t come for my Match Day, it’ll be six weeks till I see him again (for our sixth anniversary!), but we’ve gone that long before and hopefully he’s settled into his new job enough that we can schedule more consistent time to hang out online. We’ve started watching House of Cards, which I highly recommend. :)
There’s still 30 days till I match, but in a week I can stop worrying that maybe I should be emailing people more, because after the 20th, all lists are final and it’s just a matter of waiting for the computers and committees to finish doing their thing.
I’ve had a few ideas for posts in the past few days, but when I come home and sit down in front of my computer, I find myself wanting to just hold off on blogging much until Match Day. I know that it’s silly to put life on hold for any reason, even if only for just one more month, but this is such a big turning point in my life, and until I know the result, planning beyond it is difficult, and a big part of my thoughts is planning.
I’m going to try to think of topics to talk about that aren’t loaded with a bunch of “if, then” clauses, and I’m sure things will come up. Ember is visiting me this weekend, then I’m visiting my parents again (it’s strange, but not in a bad way, seeing them this often), and then Catalyst is visiting for a weekend. And then three weeks later, both Ember and Catalyst will be in town with me for Match Day.
So mostly these days I’m just waiting, and giving away a lot of things (10 out of the 11 places on my list require moving to one of the coasts, and I’d like to lessen my burden of unnecessary possessions), and trying not to get too far behind on emails and errands and other obligations. And, of course, rewatching Battlestar Gallactica with Catalyst, and playing computer games with both my boys.
Speaking of errands, I’ve got a bunch of emails I’ve been procrastinating on sending.